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VADIM
(Excerpts from the novella in verse)
Love is a scar that
never heals.
If it heals, it wasn't
love to begin with
-Knut Gamsun
April 1979, Moscow
In the doorframe against the daylight
you, a slender youth, appeared.
You burst into my life,
suddenly condensed into one month,
my faun, my Greek god,
a Demon from Wrubel's painting,
big hands, hovering above the keyboard,
with dark, wavy hair, deer-like eyes.
You gave me your shameless youth.
I gave you all of me.
You came and went, came and left.
December 1979, Moscow
What wind blew you
into my house now and then
after midnight, drunk?
I filled a tub, took off your clothes,
sank you in a bubble-bath,
sobered you with my kisses.
I led you, anew, to my bedroom,
into the night's shortness
of your solids and softness.
Leaving a dent on my pillow,
you walked away from my mornings.
Your youth was too reckless,
too shallow for my love.
Still, why did a mischievous wind
swing my door wide open
and blow you into my ready arms?
January 1980, Moscow, Russia
Oh, was it really you in a doorway,
out of crispy winter
with snowflakes on eyelashes,
a shy smile and a rose in your hand?
I knew you would come not drunk, not at night.
Velvety you glanced,
slowly you undressed me,
embraced my knees,
Don't ask me why I was away so long.
Was it love that cloaked us?
December 1980, Moscow, Russia
After three years of the ordeal,
soon I would leave this backward country,
escape lies, fear, hatred.
Those three years were full of you.
You were my reality, my dream -
I had to give up on both.
I knew, there would be many other things
-
the Louvre, Carnegie Hall,
Rome on the Hills, Galilee's groves.
But my heart gasped for the last breath of
you.
I measured time by you.
What to wish for now, this moment?
December 1980, The plane Moscow -Vienna
To numb the grief of our good-bye
I gulped a glass of vodka,
before the last ride to the airport.
The plane took off to
forever.
I should have been excited - instead, I cried.
It was over - last kiss, last sigh.
September 1988, Paris, France
Miles, years, borders lay between
that last dreary Moscow day
and a sunny September in Paris
when we met in the little Place du Louvre
by the fountain in a small ornate terrace.
It took me seven long years
to free myself from you,
for love to chime away, not far -
just to somewhere in the deep.
I loved... not you, but my past in you -
a sudden leap into the youth of heart.
You loved... not me, but your memory of me
-
sound of the sad Shadow of Your Smile,
my love that turned your wasted life around,
your short happiness of having me.
Boulevards, bridges over Seine, small cafιs
until the morning light.
Your life - music, family, France
my un-aging thirst for life.
Snapshots.
A chance embraced us in Moscow,
then two strands of time, born in pain,
carried us into different lifelines.
In Paris they entwined for a short moment
before the ocean separated them again.
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